Do you feel like you’re being manipulated? You’re probably right!
It’s a terrible feeling when we have an “ah-ha” moment and realize that we may be being manipulated. Have you ever felt it? It’s not a good place to be.
Feeling like we’re being manipulated makes us question our own judgment, wonder if we did or said something to encourage the manipulation, and more than anything, makes us want to RUN and get out of a messy situation FAST. If you’ve been there, you probably know. If you’re in it right now, keep reading. If you think you have never been manipulated? Stick around. Someone, sometime, somewhere will likely try to manipulate you at some point in your life.
But I’m going to give you some tips for ways to handle it/ them. And most of all I’m going to give you some tips about how to handle YOURSELF.
Humans have an enormous capacity to do all kinds of questionable things to get what we want when we want it. Patience is not a strong characteristic for lots of us. So people will go to great lengths, sometimes unethical or even cruel lengths, to get their own way. Generally skilled manipulators have zero regard for other peoples’ needs or desires, and they certainly don’t treat their victims with dignity or respect.
And here’s the best part: They may never change. But you have the power to change YOU and to never, ever have to put up with manipulation from anyone ever again.
We’ll start with how to identify a manipulator, then how to protect yourself from them and finally how to avoid ever getting snared in a manipulator’s web again. It’s all pretty straight forward, but it takes some time, guidance, and support from a skilled coach or counselor to learn new tools, and actually put them into practice.
WAIT: I THINK I’M BEING MANIPULATED! OR IS IT MY IMAGINATION?
Manipulation and “gas lighting” often look much the same. They are both forms of deceit, disingenuousness, and frankly down right cruelty. According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is “…the act of psychologically manipulating someone over time to make them question their own reality, thoughts, or memories. This can lead to confusion, loss of confidence, and self-esteem, and can also cause the victim to become dependent on the perpetrator. Gaslighting can also mean to badly mislead or deceive someone, especially for one’s own advantage.”
Sound familiar?
Manipulation on the other hand, while definitely mimicking gas lighting, in some ways can be more subtle. The word itself has many definitions. But in this context, Merriam-Webster says, “To control or play upon by unfair means: For example, you can manipulate people’s feelings.”
The key is to realize when manipulation is happening. It may take a long time for you to “catch” the manipulator in a lie, or a significant “stretching of the truth”. Or, another sign, is if the manipulator asks you to do a “favor” for them, then turns the original “favor” into a much larger project that ends up taking up far more of your energy than you had planned.
Manipulators can sense when their victims are easy targets. So, once you realize you’re being manipulated- the very FIRST time you realize it- it’s important to put a stop to it immediately.
OK. I KNOW I’M BEING MANIPULATED AND I HATE IT, BUT I’M AFRAID TO SAY ANYTHING. HE/SHE MIGHT GET REALLY MAD….
Yep. Correct. He/she will almost certainly NOT like being “caught” or called out on their behavior. Remember: the people who will get ticked off at you when you set a new boundary are the people who have benefitted from you not having any good boundaries.
Sound harsh? It’s not. Think about it. Imagine a time when you knew in your gut that something was ‘off,’ not feeling ‘right,’ and you realized that you had been lied to or coerced. How did the manipulator behave? How did you react the moment you realized the lies? Did they get what they wanted when they wanted it? Did they get you to do something that you really did not want to do?
Did you make excuses to yourself to try to just make it “feel” better for yourself? Sometimes victims of manipulators will actually lie to themselves just to feel less embarrassed or ashamed of being ‘had.’
Timing is key. You can absolutely learn new skills, words, and coping tools to extricate yourself from a manipulative relationship, if you want to. No one can do this for you. No one can protect you from manipulation if you’re not prepared to protect yourself.
But you have to act. You have to actually ‘do’ something different. Because of nothing changes, nothing changes. How much longer will you wait to stand up for yourself?