“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I thought this problem would eventually just go away.”
“I didn’t speak up because it would just make him mad anyway.”
“It’s not going to matter what I say because she never listens to me.”
Wow. Do any of these sound familiar?
Sometimes we struggle with knowing how to express ourselves. Whether in a partner relationship, a job situation, a dynamic with our parents or children, saying what we mean and meaning what we say can be very complicated for many of us.
Why is this? Well, there are probably a lot of reasons, far too many to explore here. But suffice it to say, struggling with how and when to speak up for ourselves can be problematic and it’s very common.
Am I the only one who has a hard time with this?
You are not alone! There are some simple things to keep in mind if you are a person who struggles with knowing how or when to speak your mind.
1) Don’t ‘beat yourself up’ about it. You are not alone in this challenge. Many people, and unfortunately many women in particular, really struggle with finding the right words, knowing the right words, and then trying to ‘guess’ when a ‘good time’ is to express it all. And unfortunately in our society women who speak up for themselves are often called words like “aggressive” or “bossy” or worse.
2) If you have a complicated history with the person in question, and you have an expectation that the person is absolutely not going to be open to hearing what you say, no matter how or when you say it, that can complicate things further. But not speaking up and choosing to ‘stuff it down’ can ultimately cause far more problems than if you had found a way to communicate your need or your position on any matter.
A study published in the journal “Psychosomatic Medicine” found that individuals who have difficulty expressing their emotions and tend to bottle up their feelings are at a higher risk of developing various physical health problems, including cardiovascular issues, digestive problems, and compromised immune function.
Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, conducted a study that linked the suppression of emotions to increased levels of stress hormones in the body, which can lead to chronic stress and its related health consequences, such as high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression. Researchers say these can often lead to self-destructive behaviors including substance abuse and other addictions.
3) Ask yourself how much you are willing to ‘take’ before you speak up, then make a plan to prepare for a potentially difficult conversation.
Generally, it’s not fruitful to discuss the plan with everyone in sight, but it definitely can be helpful to talk about your plan and plot out a strategy with one trusted friend or colleague, or a professional coach or counselor.
The point is that you do not have to keep silent just to ‘keep the peace.’ Because ultimately, whatever the issue is will eventually come out into the open anyway, and it might not be the best experience for anyone involved. Weigh your options, be mindful of preparing to speak succinctly, clearly and with an appropriate amount of plain, old good manners.
State your truth!
Speak your truth, state your case, then let things unfold as they will. And if you feel disrespected, unheard, dismissed or in any other way belittled because of it, then you have some much bigger decisions to face.
You are important. You have a right to be heard. You have a right to be respected and treated with dignity from anyone and everyone: no matter what role they play in your life.