“I keep telling him my boundary and he keeps ignoring it.”
Does this sound familiar? Have you lived this experience, telling someone repeatedly what you need or want in a situation or relationship, but the person continues to do things, to exhibit behaviors that are unpleasant and unacceptable to you?
Setting boundaries is not a “one and done” thing. The most important part of any boundary communication is to remember: When you set a boundary, name a consequence for NOT respecting the boundary, and then, if the boundary is not respected, enforce the consequence. And sometimes that’s the hard part.
What does that look like in practice? Let’s say someone keeps showing up at your home unannounced and expects you to just drop everything to accommodate their unannounced, uninvited visit.
You decide this is not acceptable behavior, and you say to the person, “It’s not convenient or appropriate for us to have you visit us announced and without our permission. Please stop doing that. If you don’t take the time to ask us first, and wait for a response that it is, in fact, “ok” to visit at a certain time on a certain date, and you just come over anyway? We will not open the door.”
That’s a soft, polite way to express the boundary.
Here’s the hard part
“But that’s going to make them really mad,” you might say. Well, yes, it probably will. So it’s your responsibility to decide if your need to be honored and respected is greater than your need to “people please” by giving in to their demands on your time and life. This is an important distinction!
Thousands of people play the ‘victim’ simply because they don’t have the courage and tools to say what they need, and then stand up for themselves to attain it. Period. It’s really not that complicated. It’s also really not that ‘easy’ to do. It takes consistency and practice.
Setting good boundaries not only requires ‘saying’ the words but, most importantly, it requires us to SHOW people what we expect by sticking to the consequences we set. Let’s go back to the uninvited visitors scene:
So, the person in question totally ignores your request/ boundary, and they continue to come over unannounced. What do you do? Do you give in and just open the door and let them in, only to have a confrontation (probably a loud one!) once you have let them into your house? Or do you stick to your boundary and not open the door, not even acknowledge that they are standing outside?
If you stick to your boundary and the person persists on knocking (or beating!) on your door, ringing your door bell, screaming or whatever, it’s highly likely you have a much more serious situation on your hands. The person may, in fact, have some kind of mental or emotional disorder that does not allow them to make good decisions. And that can be messy.
So: what will you do? This is where the ‘rubber hits the road.’ This is where you have to care more about your own well-being and mental/ emotional wellness than that of the other person. Cold? Nope: appropriate, because no one is going to honor your well-being if you don’t do it first. Read that again.
Different levels of boundaries
Author Melissa Urban, in her 2022 book, “The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free” says there are three, basic levels of boundaries: Green, Yellow and Red.
A Green boundary can be as simple as politely refusing something you dislike or are allergic to when offered it by a hostess. “No thanks. I don’t eat mushrooms.” “No thanks. I don’t drink alcohol.”
A Yellow boundary is more firm. “But I made these mushrooms especially for this party! I can’t believe you’re not going to just try one!” Your ‘Yellow’ boundary can sound like this: “No thank you. I don’t eat mushrooms ever and I’m not going to eat them today.” Say it with a smile, then immediately change the subject. Compliment her dress or hair or some other food item, but don’t let the person railroad you into taking the dang mushroom.
Here’s another ‘Yellow’ boundary: “You’re not drinking? Since when? Come on! It’s only beer (or wine or whatever).” Your ‘Yellow’ boundary can sound like this: “No thank you. I’m choosing to not drink alcohol. This is a personal choice and I appreciate you respecting it.” Then, as in the mushroom scene, change the subject. Ask about her kids, her job: whatever. You get the point.
A ’Red’ boundary is the most severe of all. “You really hurt my feelings by not at least trying one of my special mushrooms. Come on, can’t you just taste ONE?” Your ‘Red’ boundary can sound like this: “I’ve told you politely that I don’t eat mushrooms. Yet you keep pushing. Thank you for inviting me but I have to leave now.” THEN LEAVE. Don’t ‘explain,’ or keep talking. JUST GET UP AND LEAVE.
And this: “Well that’s a laugh! YOU, not drinking? Ha! We’ll see how long THAT lasts!” Your ‘Red’ Boundary mirrors the mushroom situation. LEAVE. Say a minimal amount then LEAVE…. Literally just leave.
You can do this
Setting boundaries, no matter the level, is a learned behavior. All of us must learn these skills, learn the tools, and learn to enact them confidently. And you absolutely CAN learn them. Asking for help and support is a “super power!” Please remember that.